Thursday, January 7, 2016

An Ending

It’s been roughly two years and three months since my last blog post. Reading over it gives me such a sense of melancholy. I had so much naive hope for the future. Little did I know…

I think most of you know at this point, 2014 was, very possibly, the worst year of my life. almost as soon as I got home from the Philippines I started making terrible choices that sent my life into a downward spiral that seemed to have no end. I decided that I was going to do whatever made me happy, regardless of how it affected anyone else. It was a bad deal.

And much as I spent 2014 nearly destroying my life, 2015 was spent trying to put it back together. Don’t worry, I’m still here. I survived. I’m doing very well now.

As far as the midwifery journey goes… I took my exams. Again. Missed them by two questions. Again. And with the dawn of 2015, they changed the regulations on me and made it nearly impossible for me to get my license. They upped the amount of clinical experience I needed and stopped accepting out of country births. This meant I couldn’t go back to the Philippines (or anywhere else for that matter) to get the experience. As mentioned previously, none of the midwives in my area were willing to take me as an intern, and the clinic I’d been interning at before was going through a time of turmoil all their own. It’s been a rough couple of years for midwifery in South Carolina. Even if I’d been able to find an internship somewhere else in the states, by the time I’d gotten the experience I needed, the experience I’d gotten at the beginning of my journey would have been invalid. Catch 22.

Now, that’s not to say I was entirely a victim of circumstance. I could have documented more births while I was in the Philippines either of the times I was there. While I did more than the bare minimum, I didn’t document more than the bare minimum and that, obviously, came back to bite me. They say what you don’t know can’t hurt you. That’s a load of crap. Now, getting my license would mean starting from scratch. And I just don’t have it in me to do that.

So that’s the long and short of it. The death of a dream. Nearly five years of turmoil down the drain. I learned a lot. Ended up really hurt over a lot of things, and ultimately let that hurt fester and turn into something extremely destructive. That post I wrote awhile back about fear, anger, and hate? Yeah. The dark side is not a pretty place and despite what they may tell you, they do not have cookies.

Anywho, this is my last post on this blog, since the whole midwifery journey has come to an end. I just figured I’d get you all up to speed on that. That being said, I am going to try to start blogging again! On a new blog where I’ll be dealing with some of what 2014 and 2015 looked like, because a lot of big things happened over those years and I learned a lot and feel like that probably needs to be addressed. I’ll also be writing about what my life looks like now, where I see myself headed, so on and so forth. The way I ended my last post still rings true. To quote David Bowie (who’s new album comes out in less than an hour!!!)  “I don’t know where I’m going, but I promise it won’t be boring.”