Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A little bit of a ramble through my thoughts....

Sorry it’s been so long! My “social self” has been on a bit of a strike the last month or so. Anywho, I’m at birth number 17. My last baby had to be transported to the hospital because he was having some trouble breathing so please be praying for him.
I’ve been thinking a lot about when I go home. Both for my break and when I’m home for good. As far as for break goes... well I think my mom has some dates lined up for me. Hehe. That actually makes me laugh a little bit, but I’m looking forward to it at the same time. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date, even if it’s just for fun. 
It’s looking like I’m going to be pretty busy though! I’ve got so many people to see! So if you want to see me you’d better sign up now! Hehe. Just kidding. While I am going to be pretty busy, I’m sure I’ll have time for everyone.
As far as when I get home for good... Well I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to do after I take my NARM. Getting a job is a given, but there aren’t very many clinics in Fort Mill. I’d like to get a job at one of them if possible. It would be nice to be able to stay close to home. But if I have to move, my first choice would be to Charleston. I like the idea of living near the beach. That would mean getting a place and room mates and everything. I’d be about four hours away from my family. Which isn’t really too far... But still... I think I’d miss my mom.
Life here isn’t as stressful as it was. I’ve gotten mostly caught up on my school work and have adjusted to the culture. Finding places that I can go to de-stress has helped a lot. Hiding in a coffee shop for a day really makes me feel better. So does stuffing my face full of chocolate. Haha. The biggest problem with that is it does get a little bit expensive. I mean, yes, most things are cheaper here, but it still takes a toll on my wallet. But hey, it keeps me from killing my house mates!
I actually really love my house mates. But living in a four bedroom house with twelve other girls begins to take it’s toll on you. Especially if you’re a bit of an introvert (which I am) Eventually you hit this point where you don’t want to talk to anyone, you don’t want to see anyone, everything everyone does grates on your nerves... Thus the reason my “social self” has been on strike. That’s when I have to decide between being explosive and being broke. I generally choose broke. I think a month away from everyone will do me good. I’m really looking forward to some new faces.
I think a lot about who I want to be in my life, about who I wanted to be when I was a kid. For career day in seventh grade I dressed up as a writer. I put my hair into a messy bun and tucked a pencil behind my ear. I look at myself today. My hair is in a messy bun, I’ve got headphones tucked into my ears and I have over 40 ideas for novels in a folder on my desktop (all of them on hold until I finish school). In part, I’ve achieved my dream of being a writer. 
Looking at other things I’ve aspired to be, traits I’ve aspired to have, most of them are things you don’t even realize you do until someone else points it out to you. I’ve always wanted to be patient and kind. I’ve prayed that love would ooze out of my very being. I’ve wanted to be that person who reaches out to the outcasts and showed them love. I always wanted to be that girl, who, while she isn’t famous, she touches the life of everyone she meets. She changes people by simply being herself. She pushes people to be better, inspires them to chase their dreams because that’s what she’s doing. 
The other day, I got an email from a friend back home who told me that I’d done just that. By simply being myself I’d inspired him to be more. I’d inspired him to chase his own dreams. One of my housemates, just the other day, told me that I was one of the most loving people she’s ever knows. Past coworkers have told me that I have the most patients they’ve ever seen. I’ve always prayed for these things, but never really thought of myself as having them. I’ve just done what comes naturally and those things, came naturally to me. Turns out, I’ve been the person I wanted to be all along!
I think that, more often than not, we are the person we aspire to be. We look at someone else and say, “Oh they have so much ambition. I wish I was like that.” Or “I wish I was more like them” But when we stop trying to be someone else and just be ourselves, we find that the traits that we envy are inside us and the best way to let them out is to simply do it. Stop saying I wish I was more patient and just start being patient. Stop saying I wish I could do big things with my life and just go do them. Quit waiting around to blossom into who you want to be and start taking an active effort in becoming that person.
Anyways, being that I’m only 20 I know I’ve still got a long way to go. I am far from perfect. But I do really love finding out that, even when I don’t see it, I am well on my way to becoming the person I want to be. Now I just need twenty cats and a collection of large, colorful hats.
I think I’m done now.